You are not alone if you are one big ball of emotion. Before I had my children, Treasure and Khaire, my husband at the time and I learned that we were pregnant with a little girl. Instantly I knew what I would name her, Serenity. I was nervous and excited about learning that I was pregnant, and so was my husband. I think he may have been more excited than I was.
I got to my appointment, I was all smiles and I finally got to the back to see the sonographer. It took her so long to tell me what was going on with the baby, it seemed that she was literally sucking the happiness right out of my spirit. I kept asking her, “What’s going on, girl, what do you see? What do you hear.” She ignored me and kept feeling around on my belly.
After a few minutes of silence she told me that she couldn't find a heartbeat; and that she didn't want to say anything too soon until she knew for sure because of how happy I was. In that moment I went really numb. I called my husband at work and just sobbed because I had to have an Emergency Dilation and Curettage (D&C) procedure because I had miscarried. Out of all the things I thought I would hear on this trip to see my OBGYN, I didn’t think I would hear that.
This feeling has stayed with me ever since it happened in 2014. I never met Serenity, but in the short length of time I carried her, I talked to her, created space for her and planned for her. If you've ever miscarried you can relate to what I’m saying without me sounding completely nuts. It’s a very hurtful time for a woman and stressful on the body too. I felt like my heart could just stop beating at any time because I was completely overtaken with sadness and grief.
One night I was laying in bed, and I heard the Spirit of the Lord clearly say, “Write about it”. So I did. I got out a notebook and pen and began to write a letter to God about How I felt. I didn't tell many people about what I had to go through and I did not go talk to a therapist. My husband and I comforted one another silently and it worked for a short length of time, but I felt like I really needed help getting over this hump.I ended up writing a five-page letter to God telling Him how heartbroken I was and everything I had planned as a first time mom. I told him all about how November 6th was such a painful day for me. I emptied myself in that letter and I took it by the water, put it in a soda bottle and let it float on in the river. I liked to sit by the water often and write. The Ohio River is not the cleanest, but it sure was a peaceful place to release my thoughts to God. I felt like He could hear my heart when I sat on the rocks.
After writing my letter, I felt a heaviness lift off of me, and even though I thought about Serenity often, it got a little easier as time went on. A couple of years after that my husband and I found out we were pregnant again! I was scared to get excited this time.
I thought about what the doctors had told me, that my cervix was too weak to carry this baby and that it would be an 85% chance that I would miscarry. I was scared out of my mind that I would miscarry in my house especially using the bathroom! I heard stories of women using the bathroom and their baby just..came out in the toilet! I couldn't imagine having that image in my head!
I prayed and talked to God about my concerns. Cried. And repeated this process often. After that 12-week mark, I felt a little more secure about carrying my baby full term because my doctor told me most women that make it past the 12-week mark are usually in the “safe zone” but the words I would miscarry with an 85% chance kept ringing in my head. I was just flat out scared. That's a huge percentage, don't you think? Then one day I was just thinking to myself what will I name this baby. Serenity just seemed so perfect to me. And the more I thought about Serenity I kept hearing God tell my heart that she is in perfect Serenity with Him. She is in a safe place, peaceful place, a calm place and that I had no reasons to worry. That thought alone calmed my spirit.
Since God was talking to me at this time, I asked Him to give me a name for my baby. My devotion for this particular morning was Isaiah 45 and he instructed me to go back to my devotion. When I read and studied my devotion again, there was her name, Treasure. Isaiah 45:3 stuck out like a sore big toe! It reads.
“I will give you hidden treasures,
Riches stored in secret places,
So that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
Sharing this with you right now is giving me goosebumps because I remember it like it was just yesterday! It was as though God came to sit on my couch and talk to me personally this day. It was like He was telling me not to overwhelm my heart with fear and anxiety about what happened with my first baby. I heard the scripture Psalms 30:11 in my soul:“You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance; you have taken my sorrow and surrounded me with joy (GNT)."
I began to worship. Right there in my living room. No music. No nothing. Just me and God. I began to thank Him for my healthy child. I thanked Him for the miracle that would take place.
Treasure was surely a miracle. She was something so special. I gave birth to her on November 6th, 2016. I worshiped God on my labor bed. My husband and I both. We praised God and everyone was looking at us like… “Wow, they sure are happy about this little baby”, but no one knew that we had lost a child on that exact day. God read my letter. He heard all of my cries. He told me what to name the baby and he heard me when I said that November 6th was a painful day for me and He changed my sadness into a joyful dance!
Moms, you are not alone if you are one big ball of emotion. Invite God into your space because He cares about how you feel. Allow the Holy Spirit to minister to your heart because He cares about the condition of your heart, and He will lead you on the path that you should go.
I did not talk to anyone at this time, which would have been a benefit to me, so I encourage you to seek help from professionals if you are in a place of sadness or grief. You are not “crazy” or “nuts” or any other word society wants to label you. God has people in place that specialize in different areas, like sadness and grief, and there is nothing wrong with seeking a therapist. I am not a therapist, but I am an ear to hear you, if you want to reach out to me don't hesitate!
I can be reached at erica@thrivingleaf.org
I love you!